Tag Archives: pessimism

Alive and breathing

Haven’t had books to read so I might as well write something to show this blog is still alive. 🙂

Four months through graduation and I still find myself addled. Observing my surroundings has made me come up with the tortuous realization that reality sucks. I wasn’t wrong when I alluded that we, or more like I, would come scurrying back to my cave where all the comforts that define my humanity are simply within reach; moreover, with this inevitable realization, I discovered that my seclusion has gone worse to a point that I let my judgments blind me (I should seriously do something about that :s). What’s more, the further I get into the future, the more I grasp onto the past for fear of being swindled into a nebulous future. It’s true, reality crushes dreams. I see evidences of it more and more each day — from a random face in the street to the person in the next cubicle. I can easily recognize their insatiable expressions because I see it everyday in front of the mirror. Sad though this may be, I finally resolved to lock away my dream of becoming an ophthalmologist — lock it up, throw away the key, so not even a gleam of it could blind me anymore. That ideal formula has presented itself to me for some time, all I needed was a little push to reach it but reality had to release its manacles and tie me down to my resources forever; and I would just stare at the formula as it will eventually drift to the grasp of someone with a more magnanimous reality. A pedestrian career awaits me and I have no choice but to be very good at it, that way I could distract myself from the future that will never be mine [releasing sigh of disappointment :)].

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Skip if you please

I apologize if this post has nothing to do with either anime or books but I just feel as though I have to let this out, otherwise it will get caught up in my mind’s abyss of crap.

I am seriously looking for enlightenment. I feel as though it’s too elusive that I might never get my hands on it ever — or I guess I’m just too blind to decipher anything that patently presents itself to me. You see, the feared graduation day had finally passed so you can now call me Ms. Officially-Unemployed-and-Unable-to-Do-Anything-because-of-No-Enlightenment. I thought by now I would already have set out my concrete plans yet I am still as stupid, lazy, and skinny as always; I just don’t know what to do with my life. You have no idea how much that statement is stressed out, my pedestrian writing is not enough to give it justice. My friend actually said it for me, “You don’t know what you want, you only know what you don’t want,” it says so much of my pessimism that I guess might affect my entire ways (or already has :s). Earlier today, I was once again reminded of my being a Schopenhauer believer when I stared into my glass of soda and thought it to be half-empty. I try to be more sanguine but I guess I have imbibed this negative approach to brace myself for the worse (or worst) things that may happen…I seriously want to pursue medicine but I my qualms are just too prevalent; I don’t think I have enough juice in my brain to last me my entire path to becoming a good doctor. Oh Lord, I need a little inspiration. Better yet, give me a vivisecting perspective so I could pursue the scattered symbols.

Again, I apologize for bringing up this personal problematic.